Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Things I Learned From This Election Cycle

America is nothing if not a nation of learning and education. This election year has brought us many lessons, as well as many laughs - thanks The Daily Show!

So, I bring you a list of things that this election has taught me:

#1) There is always something that we all, Republican and Democrat alike, can agree upon. In this case, it appears we all agree that West Virginia is a shithole. It's truly the irregularly-shaped, oblong anus of the country.

#2) If you want your son to grow-up to be a brainless douchebag, name him Tucker.

Exhibit A) Tucker Bounds
Exhibit B) Tucker Carlson
Exhibit C) Tucker Max

#3) Should you find yourself loosing any contest, you should throw all decorum out the window and swing wildly at your opponent, preferably using words that are really scary to inbred morons - like your running mate.

#4) You should always vote opposite of anyone appearing on The Hills.

#5) In the Republican dictionary, fairness equals "socialism" and brain-dead equals sassy.

#6) It always takes a Democrat to clean-up the mess left by a Republican.

Goodnight and good luck... oh, and God speed!

P.S. - Check-out Gravy and Biscuits for an awesome giveaway - including a $25 gift card to Macy's and other fun prizes!

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Halloween Is Upon Us!

I have never seen The Rachel Zoe Fiasco. I assume that the "project" involves whatever horrible ritual is used to raise the haggard witch from the grave and inflate her to some sort of semi-ordinary proportions by pumping her full of collagen so she won't implode within herself and fold like bed linen. Actually, I take that back - I don't think they use collagen, I think they just buy those industrial sized helium tanks and fill her like a balloon, which would account for the horrible hiss sometimes heard to emanate for her direction.

That being said, it's Halloween-time, kiddies, so you better prepare your costumes. Me? I cannot decided. Won't you help me?

Should I be:

- Inflatable "Raisinface" Rachel Zoe complete with horns, proboscis tongue (for goat sucking), outfit made entirely of bananas with gay-Great-Gatsby and back-up-singer-for-Gem-an-the-Holograms assistants

- Albus Dumbledore on Pride Day with rainbow robes and vibrating "magic wand"

- Johnny McCain complete with walker, tapioca, undead wife and conservative, moose-killing, shaved-Bush running mate

Or, should I just fallback on my old standard: a Mormon missionary who's been hit by a car with bible, copy of The Watchtower, name badge, broken bike, bike helmet and tire tracks on my shirt?

Who Keeps Voting Republican?

It never ceases to amaze me when everyone I meet is baffled as to how George Dubya Shrub was elected to the highest office in our nation, not once, but twice! Someone must have voted for him. I have the sneaking suspension that it's like buying a Pat Benatar album: lots of people did it, but nobody'll own up.

Personally, I have pity on people who vote Republican. Frankly, I think it should be classified as a learning disability. But ah, we only have a little over a month left of Bushy. It's the end of an error, folks.

On a different slant, I must apologize for my absence. I do, however, have exciting news! Ready? My novel is slated to be released by mid 2009! If you like my writing here, I suggest you pick up a copy of A Million Ways To Be Cruel by Shaun Industry.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Wal-Mart Has It's Finger On The Pulse Of Modern Culture

Forever being known as the bastion of social trends, continues its dominance in judgment of pop culture. Recently, they've released a hot new music called "jazz" stolen mostly from people not allowed to drink from the same fountains at Wal-Mart headquarters in Butf*ck, Arkansas.

Now they've tapped into an even bigger trend: monogrammed flasks. I shit you not. I bring you, my readers, a flask full of what the f*ck. I think it's great! I plan to get a flask to go with my Faded Glory bong. Because, if I've learned nothing from recent manufacturing news - and I haven't! - it's that the Chinese are terrific at making intoxicating substances and paraphernalia. I mean, without them, we wouldn't have the roofie doll which caused pedophiles all over America to rejoice - finally, a practical solution for child molestation!

On a serious note: are you f*cking kidding me with this? An honest to God, grab-the-bible-and-lets-do-the-Charleston-flask? What late stage of alcoholism do you have to be in for a flask to seem like a good idea?

Friday, September 26, 2008

Introducing M-U-P-P-E-T Makeup

Now, you too can look like a skanky plastic doll or a velveteen Janice Joplin with MUPPET Makeup.

On a different track, how sad is it that the Bratz Doll has a more natural skin tone than Xtina?

Reality Show Quote Of The Weak

Nathan, 30, of Top Design Season 2 talking about his bickering teammates Preston and Shazia : "It's like I'm Switzerland and they're two pit bulls."

It's a great thing for him that he works with a visual media.

Britney's Future

Everyone's talking about how Britney's back and, while I must confess that neither of my balls are crystal, I actually believe that I've seen Britney Spears' future (as seen above). Come on, you can't tell me she doesn't look familiar. Plus, her taste in men seems to be about the same as well. It's either Britney's future, or Brooke Hogan's.